the walk of my life-shlife

So I love this guy.

It’s not exactly a walk in the park. If you’re familiar with Tom Lehrer’s Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, it feels like that. No, I’m not the one having a treat coating peanuts with cyanide. I’m the pigeon.

So anyway he’s a great guy. The kind who I know will open tight jars for me. More importantly, the kind that if something bad will happen to me and I’ll leave all my Harry Potter books with him, I know he’s not going to feed it to the termites. Okay seriously…he’s a good man, a really good son, a good person. So it pains me to think that, uhhmm, I’m not with my Mcdreamy.

Sometimes I tell myself that there’s really no need to be dramatic about it. If the whole situation makes you sad, what does that tell you? It’s not suppose to be like that, right? So will I let go or will I be like Ginny Weasley who did not give up on Harry Potter? Because you know what, someone told me that I actually deserve better and it sounded really nice like…uhhm…like it was really true. So back to the question, will I let go or hold on?

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P.S. Guys I’ll be away for like 3 months or more.  You can email me though if it’s important ( or if you miss me hehe) or leave a message in this entry.  I can still get it through my email address.  I’m really gonna miss blogging…boo-freakin-hoo!

The day my ex and I decided to end our relationship, the last words I uttered to him was “okay I gotta go”, I stood up and walked away. I heard him calling after me, saying “Verns, please get in touch” and I was like “e-get in touch mo pagmumukha mo!” hehe

I didn’t say the word “goodbye”. I didn’t look back. Basta dere-deretso lang akong naglakad hoping na hindi ako madapa or matapilok. I wanted to cry that time para naman mukhang pelikula (sayang ang moment) but I couldn’t. Sure, it was sad and I was hurting but for some reason there were no tears.

Looking back, I can honestly say that the break-up made me a totally different person. Change is good but if it morphs you into a person that you’re not, then it becomes bad. I gave up on a lot of stuff. I stopped aiming for something. I cared less. I settled for mediocrity. I screwed myself to get over being screwed. I didn’t care if I was doing something wrong. “Bahala na” was my usual retort when my friends ask about my plans. Bad decisions. Decisions that were made out of a broken heart and sort of a broken spirit (children don’t make decisions when you’re emotional…listen to Mama hehe). I learned that something like that can actually break me and for someone who actually thinks she’s tough, that is quite embarrassing to admit. But I never blame my neighbor for the trash in my backyard. I dealt with it…pinanindigan kumbaga.

Out of everything that happened, the thing that suffered the most is my career. I know I should be grateful for all the blessings I received. I know I’m better off compared to a lot of people who don’t even have a job. But I was unhappy with the way things are. I know I can do more. I can be more. Sometimes I even scare myself with thoughts that I’m going dumb.

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